Why has marriage fallen on hard times?
By Steven W. Cornell
We live in a disconnected, broken and lonely culture. This is the age of divorce, not unity; pulling apart not coming together. Although God’s ideal for marriage is lifelong, committed love, in the past thirty-five years, we have witnessed a massive shift away from this ideal. Since the l970’s, more than one million divorces occur each year. Though the figure has leveled off at one million throughout the 80’s and 90’s, this "good news" is offset by the increasingly popular practice of co-habitation. From 1970 to 1987 the number or never-before-married women who co-habited rose from 7% to 48%. Most people who cohabit will admit to exclusivity in their relationship but not to permanence. The absence of commitment to permanence makes it more difficult to build a secure and lasting love.
We must recognize that rapid social changes like those from the 1970's to the present have profound affects on society as a whole. They involve more than statistics. They represent real people who are parts of families and communities throughout the nation.
We also must be willing to ask the hard questions about these changes. What has contributed to the increase of divorce? On one level, legislative changes in divorce laws and provision of legal aid, have made divorce more easily obtainable. But the most influential contributors come from social changes. Four main changes have promoted the demise of God’s ideal for marriage.
1. Emphasis On Rights Over Responsibilities
Most notable would be a shift of emphasis from responsibilities to entitlements. The prevailing attitude today says, "I have a right to have my needs met (as I define them), and others are obligated to meet them". Along with this, there is a growing intolerance toward those who obstruct individual fulfillment — even spouses. Our cultural obsession with personal rights and selfishness is the single greatest threat to marital harmony. When the primary commitment of the average person is to his/her own fulfillment, the mold is set for marital failure. Sacrifice, service, and dedication to others are indispensable ingredients of lasting, loving relationships. They are the foundation for good community.
2. Unwillingness to Work Through Difficulties
An unwillingness to tolerate difficulty (the "I don’t have to put up with it!" attitude) is another prevailing trait that robs couples of the benefit of working through their problems. Perhaps this is a spill over from the consumer attitude. After all, we don’t "put up with" poor service from the restaurant, garage, or builder — why should we from our spouse? "What marlçs out our age is that we want more from marriage than most of our grandparents ever dreamed possible and that we are not prepared to be patient and work hard at relationships to make them better. We want happiness and we want it now" (Andrew Comes).
In some cases this disposition has forced couples to deal with things previous generations grudgingly ignored. Earlier generations often tolerated things that should have been confronted and changed. This often led to a kind of "married-divorced" status—those legally married but divorced emotionally, physically, or intellectually. Marital love can grow deeper as couples work through their difficulties. But impatience often leads to separation and divorce.
3. Lack of Preparation
If we are required to prepare for most serious endeavors in life, why don’t we require preparation for marriage? I had to prepare more for my driver’s license than my marriage license. This is a mistake because marriage is far more challenging and demanding than driving. Understandably, we want well-prepared drivers on the roads. But well-prepared marriages are even more important. They strengthenv families, communities and ultimately a nation. Someone once said, "Dating is meant to conceal information that marriage will later reveal." If this is true, premarital counseling can help couples see beyond the superficial to the real person. It can serve as a kind of preventative medicine by helping couples maintain realistic expectations. We should highly recommend such preparation to each couple desiring to be mavr~ed. Even those who remarry should seek counseling. Sometimes they mistakenly believe that they have learned enough through their first marriage. Yet early remarriage is statistically proven to result in divorce in the majority of cases. One indicator notes 68% of remarriages within two years of divorce end in divorce themselves. When children are involved in the second marriage, there is a 60-65% chance of divorce within five years of the union. Over one million children each year are involved in divorce. For most parents, this is the most painful aspect of divorce. In clearly abusive cases, separation benefits the children. Otherwise it leads to lifelong emotional and behavioral instability (see: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 year landmark study, Judith S. Wallerstein). When children are involved, it is even more important to receive pre-marital preparation.
4. Churches have surrendered their role in society
The final cause worth considering is the decline of religious influence. To borrow Stephen Carter’s words, "God has become a hobby" in the United States. Sunday is the all-American day of recreation—and in too many cases, church attendance is a low priority. Even if people go to church, it seems to make little difference. This is because churches have surrendered their role in society as a voice of moral guidance. Church leaders must ask: "Does the church exist to accommodate the desires of religious consumers or to faithfully communicate God’s will from scripture?" Who sets the agenda for ministry?
"In the current situation, the clergy have very largely lost their nerve and are often painfully perplexed about what they should do. As for the members of our churches, increasingly they do not even understand the problem. They have not heard Christian preaching about divorce and remarriage because their leaders consider the subject ‘too hot to handle’." (Andrew Comes).
An important opportunity exists for Churches to help young couples and families. For many years our church has offered an extensive course for those who are dating. We also have an established pre-marital team. In most cases, one pastor cannot carry the full weight of pre-marital preparation. We must regain the art of older couples mentoring younger ones. Encourage your Church to require thorough pre-marital counseling for those planning to marry. And be willing to be part of the team!