Is your marriage holding together by a very thin thread? Has the “D” word come up in your disagreements? Do you sometimes feel like you’re vainly holding to a hope that things will turn for the better? Perhaps you’ve thought about divorce but you’re afraid of the consequences. What would your family and friends think? More importantly, how would it effect the children? Most of the time divorce places a heavy burden on those effected by it. Many have compared it to a death in the family. These concerns have led couples to endure a “dead” marriage until the children are raised. Marital defeat has been accepted until the inevitable.

Sometimes couples fear a social stigma attached to divorce. Often those facing severe marital difficulty are people who relate well with others and are successful in their careers and other aspects of life. What would their friends and co-workers think if they learned of their marital failure? A divorce doesn’t seem to “fit” them. These fears lead to the challenge of maintaining a double life.

Admittedly, there is almost no unhappiness so intense as the unhappiness of a failing marriage. When a relationship that was meant for love and companionship becomes filled with conflict, bitterness and despair, it can make life seem painfully unbearable.

Yet I believe that any marriage can improve if husbands and wives are willing to work at it. A marriage that appears to be a disaster can become a mutually satisfying relationship. Is it easy to turn a bad marriage into a good one? No. But all satisfying marriages require effort and sacrifice. A seasoned counselor once recommended that lifelong love and companionship is “a by-product of an iron-willed determination to make it work.”

In more than 20 years of pastoral ministry, I’ve had the privilege of helping hundreds of people with pre-marital and marital issues. Each fall semester for the last 10 years, I’ve taught full classes of singles about the qualities of a good marriage. I certainly don’t have all the answers but I have learned a few valuable lessons along the way.

If you are willing to try to save your marriage, let me recommend some important considerations. First, you must be completely honest about the condition of your marriage. Agree together that things are not good between the two of you. Openly admitting that you’re not doing well in your relationship is an essential step to recovery.

Secondly, you must reject the mentality of defeat. Agree together that you don’t want to give up on your marriage. Believe that success is possible. Although the obstacles seem insurmountable, you must dig deep for one more effort.

Thirdly, humble yourselves and be willing to seek help. This is a difficult step for people who are successful in other areas of life. But we all need help when we can’t see the forest through the trees. A wise counselor can often guide couples to a clearer understanding of their situation. Rarely do deeply troubled marriages turn around without intervention. There are people who can assist you.

Fourthly, you must believe that saving your marriage is the best option. It is hard to pursue a goal when you do not believe in it. Get perspective. Reflect back on the better times in your relationship. Rededicate yourselves to the value of your marriage covenant.

Finally, take responsibility for the contributions you have made to your marital problems. Identify the blocks you have placed in the wall that separates the two of you. Stop the blame game. Admit your own faults. Look in the mirror and you’ll see the only person you are able to change.

Please receive this as if it were a letter of appeal. I am asking you not to give up on your marriage. Perhaps the battle has been intense and the wounds are deep. I agree with the one who said, “There is no misery as miserable as the misery of a miserable marriage.” But it doesn’t have to be this way. A good marriage brings health to your life. It offers benefits that have significant horizontal effects. It is generational in its influence. All marriages have miserable moments. We must choose our responses to those moments. The things that are worthwhile in life often require significant effort. Your marriage is worth the effort.

If your marriage needs help or you know someone who could benefit from some assistance, please take a look at our free marriage resource packet. You may confidentially view it online or request it from by contacting the Songtime office by simply sending your name and address.E-mail info@songtime.com or write Songtime, 131 Hadaway Road, Hyannis, MA 02601.