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This has been the age of divorce, not unity; pulling apart not coming together.
"When a nation has no clear model in which
the special tasks of men and women, fathers and mothers are displayed, then the
foundations of national life are threatened" (Werner Neuer,
Man and Women In Christian Perspective).
What has contributed to the increase of divorce? Legislative changes in divorce
laws and provision of legal aid have clearly resulted in more easily obtainable
divorces, but the strongest impact comes from
social changes. Four main contributors to marital breakdown are worth noting.
1. Emphasis On Rights Over Responsibilities
Most notable would be a shift of emphasis from responsibilities to
entitlements. The prevailing attitude today says, "I have a right to
have my needs met (as I define them of course), and
others are obligated to meet them." Along with
this, there is a growing intolerance of all who become obstacles to
individual fulfillment even spouses. Our present cultural
obsession with personal rights and self-love is the single
greatest threat to marital harmony. When the primary commitment
of the average person is to his or her own fulfillment, the mold is set for marital failure. Sacrifice, service, and dedication
to others are always ingredients of lasting, loving relationships.
For the Christian, this is a choice between obedience and disobedience. Both the
example and commands of the Lord Jesus require from his followers
other-centered living. Consider the well-known (yet
little practiced) words of Philippians 2:3-5:
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit,
but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than
himself; do not merely look out for your own
personal interests, but also for the interests of
others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ
Jesus" (NASB).
2. Unwillingness to Work Through Difficulties
An unwillingness to tolerate difficulty (the "I don't have to put up with it!"
attitude), is another prevailing trait that often
ends marriages long before problems are worked through. Perhaps this is a spill-over
from the consumer attitude. After all, we don't "put up with" poor service from the
restaurant, garage, or builder why should we from our spouse?
In some cases this disposition has forced couples to deal with things previous
generations grudgingly ignored possibly reducing the number of
"married-divorced" couples (those legally married who
divorced emotionally, physically, or
intellectually years ago).
Most often however, impatience with difficulty leads to separation
and divorce. "What marks out our age is that
we want more from marriage than most of our grandparents ever dreamed
was possible and that we are not prepared to be patient and work hard
at relationships to make them better. We want happiness and we want
it now" (Andrew Cornes).
As believers we know that God specifically uses trials and difficulties to produce
spiritual maturity in our lives (James 1:2-5). This same truth applies to marriage.
Marital love can grow stronger as couples share and work through their difficulties. Do
a reality check! Jesus said, "In this world
you will have trouble" (John 16:33). Like
Jesus, we can turn our troubles (even marital
ones) into platforms for triumph. Through thirteen years of marriage (with four
children mixed in), my wife and I have personally understood how God uses trials to
deepen marital love.
3. Lack of Preparation
Lack of preparation is another contributor. I, like most people, had to prepare more
for my drivers license than marriage license. The thought (entertained by many) that
love will conquer all is misleading. Ask engaged couples why they choose to marry;
predictably they answer, "because we love each
other." Then ask married couples why they desire
to end their marriage. The common answer: "We don't love each other anymore."
Among other things, we must correct the popular (yet flawed) understanding of
love as something one falls into and out of. The relationship between being and behaving
in love needs to be recaptured. Love must be a whole person commitment; intellect
and will as well as emotion.
One effective way to correct unrealistic expectations of couples heading for
marital "bliss" is education. Someone once
said, "Dating is meant to conceal information that marriage will later reveal." If this
is true, thorough premarital counseling can
be a vehicle of revelation, a kind of preventative medicine.
Does your Church offer premarital counseling? We should highly recommend
such preparation to each couple desiring to be married. Christians moan and groan
about the way the world is morally declining but
what are we doing to be the salt which helps
prevent societal decay?
This question prompted me to offer a Dating, Engagement and
Marriage class for the university students in our town.
We completed our second class (of thirty students) this year and the
results have been wonderful. We Christians have the
answers in scripture let's be eager to share them! Strong
marriages produce strong families, and stronger
communities ultimately impacting the nation itself.
4. Loss of Nerve Among The Clergy
There are other contributors to the divorce dilemma. Early remarriage, for example,
is statistically proven to result in divorce in the majority of cases. One indicator
notes 68% of remarriages within two years of divorce end in divorce themselves.
When children are involved in the second marriage, there is a 60-65% chance of
divorce within five years of the union. Over one million children each year are involved
in divorce. For some parents this is the most painful aspect of divorce. In clearly
abusive cases, separation benefits the children.
Otherwise it leads to emotional and behavioral instability.
Beyond these factors, the final cause worth considering is the decline of religious
influence. To borrow Stephen Carter's words, "God has become a hobby" in the
United States. Sunday is the all-American day of recreation and in too many cases
church is low priority.
Worse than this is the fact that even if people do go to church it seems to
make little difference. This is because churches have surrendered their role in society as
a moral authority. Does the church exist to accommodate the desires of religious
consumers or to faithfully communicate God's will from scripture?
In his recent book on "Divorce and Remarriage," British minister, Andrew
Cornes writes, "In the current situation, the
clergy have very largely lost their nerve and are often painfully perplexed about what
they should do. As for the members of our churches, increasingly they do not
even understand the problem. They have not heard Christian preaching about
divorce and remarriage because their leaders consider the subject `too hot to handle'."
This loss of nerve and lack of instruction has led to misguided conclusions about
biblical teaching on divorce and remarriage. The church must regain her spiritual
backbone in teaching and applying God's Word on these subjects.
"Christendom urgently needs an inner renewal in order to live credibly before
the world, as it puts into practice the divine Creator's purpose for men and women
to live together. The Church needs above all a passionate new attachment to the will
of God, a one-sided devotion to God alone and a comprehensive rejection of the spirit
of the world" (Werner Neuer).
"Wives, be subject to your own
husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is
the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church
is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in
everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as
Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for
her." Ephesians 5:22-25 (NASB)
"Love is patient, love is kind, and is
not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly,
it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong
suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears
all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails...." I Corinthians 13:4-8a
(NASB)
Steven Cornell attended Citadel Bible College, Philadelphia College of
Bible, Lancaster Bible College, and Trinity Evangelical Divinity. He is the
founder and Senior Pastor of Millersville Bible Church, Millersville, Penn. He
founded the church in 1985 and was ordained in 1992. Pastor Cornell and the
church have a very active ministry to the local university. He has published five
books and writes a religion column for his local newspaper. Steve, his wife
Rebecca and their four children, Steven, Stephanie, Seth, and Samuel, reside
in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.
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