There is almost no unhappiness so intense as the unhappiness of a failing marriage. When a relationship that was meant for love and companionship becomes filled with conflict, bitterness and despair, it can make life seem painfully unbearable.
Many who endure this experience see divorce as their only means of escape. However, while obtaining a divorce is relatively easy, it is more often than not what one has called "an emotional bombshell." No matter how much the divorce has been anticipated and prepared for, it almost always turns out to be more difficult than imagined. On the personal level, it shatters self-confidence, and rouses guilt, anger, and insecurity. Socially, it complicates all inter-personal relationships--especially when children are involved. Divorce is never an easy solution for a troubled marriage.
Yet if divorce is difficult for the marriage partners, it is far worse for their children. In her landmark study, "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" Judith Wallerstein and her co-authors present sobering evidence of the long-term negative effects of divorce on children. Anyone dealing with the issue of divorce, especially parents who are questioning whether they should keep their marriage vows for the sake of the children, should read this book.
For 25 years, Wallerstein followed the lives of more than a hundred children from the time their parents went through a divorce into their own adulthood experiences. In her book, she focuses in great detail on seven of those children who characterize the common experiences of the larger group. The study offers a firsthand challenge to the long-standing notion that ending an unhappy marriage is better for the children. The suggestion that if the parents are happier the children will be happier is misguided. The myth is usually joined with the mistaken idea that, "if the children are distressed by the divorce, the crisis will be transient because children are resilient and resourceful and will soon recover." Arguments that claim children will eventually be happier if their parents divorce are most often used to alleviate the guilt of the parents pursuing divorce.
A related myth exposed in this study is that "... divorce is a temporary crisis that exerts most of its harmful effects on parents and children at the time of the breakup." The authors state that, "People who believe this leap to the happy conclusion that the key to the child's adjustment is the settlement of conflict without rancor." It is the misleading notion that, "If the two parents don't fight, at least in front of the children, and if they rationally and fairly settle the financial, legal, and parenting issues that divide them, why then the crisis will resolve itself in short order." A sad consequence of this myth is that, "...it has prevented us from giving children and adults the understanding they need to cope with the divorce experience over the long haul."
"Adult children of divorce are telling us loud and clear that their parents' anger at the time of the breakup is not what matters most. Unless there was violence or abuse or unremitting high conflict, they have dim memories of what transpired during this supposedly critical period ... It's the many years living in a post-divorce or remarried family that count, according to this first generation to come of age and tell us their experience. It's feeling sad, lonely, and angry during childhood. It's traveling on airplanes alone when you're seven to visit your parent. It's having no choice about how you spend your time and feeling like a second-class citizen compared with your friends in intact families who have some say about how they spend their weekends and their vacations. It's wondering whether you will have any financial help for college from your college-educated father, given that he has no obligation to pay. It's worrying about your mom and dad for years — will her new boyfriend stick around, will his new wife welcome you into her home? It's reaching adulthood with acute anxiety. Will you ever find a faithful woman to love you? Will you find a man you can trust? Or will your relationships fail just like your parents' did? And most tellingly, it's asking if you can protect your own child from having these same experiences in growing up."
Generally, people today are not prepared or willing to be patient and work hard at relationships to make them better. We want great marriages and we want them now. Far too many couples enter marriage with unrealistic expectations of easy and sustained happiness. We must do a better job at helping our young people understand that maintaining a good marriage takes effort--sometimes a lot of effort. An internationally respected counselor recently wrote that the secret to life long love and companionship in marriage is "an iron-willed determination to make it work." Although this doesn't sound very romantic, it is true. The rewards of such determination are worth the effort--especially when compared with the alternative of divorce.
If you are dealing with a troubled marriage, before making any final decisions, purchase and read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." If you have been unable to resolve your marital difficulties on your own, although it may seem humbling, it is wise to seek the help of a marriage counselor. In my 16 years of pastoral ministry, I have seen a number of seriously troubled marriages become stable, satisfying relationships of love and companionship. In each case, it required time and effort but it was always worth it. We need to take seriously the words of Jesus, "What God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:5).